All About Evil

cry at a jewel sale, howl like the coyotes

2012-01-12T11:49:00.000-06:00

Good morning, Scottsdale!

Well, sort of. That’s what Dalcy and I were saying just last week. Dalcy used to be a member of the Dolley Madisons – some sort of charitable group that I thought was just a local thing until they had a national get-together in Arizona last week. Some sort of New Year’s resolution to reconnect, I suppose. She hadn’t been to one of their meetings in three or four years but thought it would be fun to visit with some old friends. I didn’t see the sense in it but she really wanted to go and I was tired of the weather here – so why not? We flew out for a few days but I won’t be hangin’ around the convention. None of that for me, so I headed out into town. Old Towne.

I really got caught up in downtown Scottsdale – it’s a touristy place with a plethora of places to buy aquamarine-colored jewelry. Can anyone have too much aquamarine-colored jewelry? Yes! Cripes, the stuff seems to spawn while you’re standin’ there watching it lay motionless in its native cardboard box. Is there some sort of contest to see which store sells the most? I’d wager it’s all a big racket: all the stores are owned by Clyde Gabriél and the stuff is mass-produced by a factory outside Peoria. I dunno, I was just there visiting. One store had a huge sign announcing it was GOING OUT OF BUSINESS but when you walked by the small print indicated it was just temporary. Chintzy advertising.

There was a somebody-or-other’s art gallery with scads of artwork that was just itchin’ to be used for Louie Lamarr bookjackets. Lots of cowboys, lots of horses. I nearly ran into a bronzed cowboy figure – I called it Lanky Brannum – and would be paying through the nose the rest of the decade had thing tipped off its base. Poor pitiful me if that had happened.

Anyone remember those stupid LoVE stamps? You know, the letters L-O-V-E are stacked together and the O has this arsty-fartsy slant to make it cute to the eye? Right about where Old Towne starts to switchover to something designed by Crazy Guggenheim was a statue of LOVE. A couple of kids decided to climb the L as I approached. Neither girl was particularly agile, so after watching their mediocre climbing skills part of me wondered how much they would love falling from it. Evil, I know, but whatcha going to do?

What I thought was an old library turned out to be the Historical Museum, in fact an old elementary school. It sort of resembled the school I attended as a child except the stiff, waxy-looking teachers were really mannequins. One of ‘em did remind me Ms. Steinmann, my grammar teacher, though. I ran into a curator-of-sorts, an affable and talkative chap named Mark who was from Ohio or Indiana and wound up talking about the century-old school building as if he attended classes there. I wandered around – noticeably clueless about the history of the region – and got an earful about Winfrey and Helene Scott. It was a great place to spend an hour or so.

With Dalcy later in tow we ran by the Hotel Valley Ho. Didn’t stay there, though. Dalcy said the place probably had a “Sinatra Slept Here” plaque hidden away. It looked like something out of the 1950s. One of the Dollies had suggested the restaurant across the street from this hotel – the Tortilla Factory – and we enjoyed steaks there. Our hotel was north of town out along the Pima Highway. Our last night in town we sat out on the back patio, still warmed from the glorious afternoon sun, and listened to the coyotes yipping away at low-flying planes.

And that’s how I started off my 2012. Now time to get to work.

a personal appeal from an author of zero articles at wikipedia

2012-01-01T18:11:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year to you and yours. I’m pretty sure I received the evilest gift possible this Christmas and it’s taken me a week to fully appreciate its underlying malevolence. This is something Dalcy and I received from – surprise! – Father Varnt. I sometimes don’t think he’s as pious as he makes himself out to be.

The box bills the product as the Digital Coin Counter Container – and yes, it features a digital display, counts coins, and then contains them as well...though not very good. Dalcy tends to pick up every blasted penny she finds so we have little stacks throughout the house. I fed into this new machine what the display said was fifty cents. Peering through the container, I sensed it wasn’t fifty. Starting over with an empty container, that same handful of pennies now equaled thirty-two cents. I know the economy is bad but come on. So I grab another fist full of dollars (great Clint Howard movie – check it out) and start shoving the pieces into the slot. Quarters. Dimes. In the midst of this Dalcy brought up Eisenhower dollars but I don’t think anyone remembers those. Anyway the grandkids were flushing coins through the thing when I started hearing metallic pings. I was dismayed to see through the plastic siding that most coins were now bypassing their collection tube and landing on the interior platform. In the midst of all this fun the batteries died so I still have no idea how much coinage we have lying around. I don’t think the collection tubes can be fitted with coin wrappers so someone could count and wrap coins at the same time so I question this product’s true usefulness.

There’s a resolution for 2012 in all this: cleaning out the house. We’re not hoarders but we tend to keep things a bit longer than needed (ask me sometime about our 1984 visit to Paducah).

I’ve got the news on as I write this and I gotta ask: is anyone else disgusted at the sight of animated bears frolicking around with bits of paper stuck on their backside? Is the pope catholic? (The answer is “yes”!)

I’ve been eating this zaatar stuff since for about a month now. It’s got this tangy zing that really goes good with vegetables.

Found a box of string in the closet while putting away Christmas decorations. Might see if I can sell this stuff.

After a week of televised national concerts celebrating Christmas I see there are a few national concerts celebrating the new year on the tube in the coming days. I wonder how many shows some of those choirs do this time of year, plus practices. Not familiar with many New Year's songs so I may check one of these out. (Hugh Jackman, the guy from the House Doctor program, is singing in one of them now, so...eh.)

We’re due over to friends for polsole in another hour. It’s supposedly a good luck thing. It’s also a Central American thing. I guess your luck is good until December 20.

things to do near denver when you’re still alive and kicking

2009-08-31T16:26:00.001-05:00

Halloa there!

I’m finishing up my first day back at the Hagg, participating in the big in-service celebrations they have for all the faculty and staff the week before school starts. Honestly...and thankfully...I haven’t done a whole heckuva lot today except tidy up a bit, observe the salt charts, answer some mail, and so on. Yeah, that’s right – school doesn’t start until next Tuesday...I’m told a bunch of other colleges began their fun a week or more ago – but no, not us. The only students I’m sure I’ll see this week are those clamoring to get into Benajah Hall a day or two early so they can get enjoy their first nights of freedom alone in a boring dormitory.

What happened to All About Evil this summer? Ol’ Broty wanted to get out the grind, that’s what! Dalcy had a family reunion out Colorado-way last month so the two of us got to stand at the mountain of madnes...well, it wasn’t that bad. We did get run out of the Garden of the Gods because of some impressive lightning. While we were driving around the park searching for the balancing rock Dalcy jokingly asked how monotheistic religions felt about a garden belonging to more than one God. Sigh. There are times I wonder how the two of us survive. It’s a good thing she didn’t make that crack with Varnt around (and I doubt he knows how to read a blog, anyway). But we found the rock...balancing on a bed of concrete. Pret-ty lame, ol’ Broty has to say. I didn’t care too much for the kids running up and down the side of it, either. Was it wrong to wish for an avalanche? (Come on, it’s an evil blog....)

Can you find the nearby John Blare Bridge?!

Anyone remember Alfred Packer? Our waitress at the restaurant kept calling him “Ali G. Packer” but I failed to understand why. Essentially Packer was a cannibal, or so history remembers. The menu was a bit macabre, too. (Not really – try the green chili at the Waffle Wagon.)

Easily the evilest thing was venturing an ungodly number of miles outside of town to visit the Royal Gorge Bridge. Heights are not my strong point but we thought we could brave them long enough to see the Arkansas River at a thousand feet or so. Not so. Someone built a bridge and later went and surrounded it with an amusement park - and not a very good one at that. Buckskin Joe? Hourly hangings? I think not.

And that’s what I did on my summer vacation. I’ll promise to try and post a bit more to this thing during the semester. I was going through the All About Evil inbox and noticed a few questions I’ll try and answer in the weeks ahead. One email I did notice asked if Mercedes ruled. I didn’t quite get it at first, but I think I do now. Wait – no, I don’t. Myron?

Rabbit, rabbit.

pretty chickens and their damn commercials

2009-07-03T07:42:00.005-05:00

So I had just finished my turkey sandwich from Betty Anne’s the other day when I was approached by a stranger wearing overalls. I’m not approached by strangers very often out on the street and very few of them are ever wearing overalls. He had just hopped out of a yellow pickup truck that was blaring rock music (something was “crumbling down” over and over) and asked if I had a minute. Long story short, he’s with some national advertising group who does commercials for fast food chicken (I missed the name in all the suddenness). Apparently I was selected because I fit the mold of someone who was not already an actor and someone who looked to know a good value. Sure. They want me to come to a studio in Boston and flap my arms and gums about how great someone-or-other’s fried chicken is, what it means to me, and how it makes me feel. I suspect for the amount of money being offered that the chicken will make me feel great. I’m debating whether or not to go through with it. Plus I’m not yet convinced this wasn’t a belated senior prank.

Did I hear that correctly – that actor Karl Madden has died? Indeed! Item! Madden played alongside Marlin Brando in a number of great films, particularly On the Waterfront. I always liked his Father Barry – except that he reminds me a bit of Father Varnt here at Haggstrum.

Anyone else watching these cricket matches on television? I like the way the guy...the pitcher? Bowler? I like the way the bowler winds up for the pitch. Still my favorite person on the field is the umpire – stoic, unnerved by the bowler, un-wowed by the wicket, hands behind his back, and the hat. Always with the hat.

I’ve received a few “Ask About Evil” emails, too...mostly about evil overblown songs from the 70s (Paradise by the Dashboard Light) and the four classical elements (air, of course, you dolt). But here’s one I thought would be good to share:

What are your candidates for the evilest foods in the four food groups?
Murray H., Mississippi

Thanks, Murray! I’m often described as “old school” and so while my definition of the four food groups may be outdated I think you’ll get the drift. In the dairy group I’ve always had a certain appreciation for the way the curds of cottage cheese have such a negative impact on people (what I call “sway of whey”). Fruit – historically the apple, I suppose, but in looks it’s gotta be the durian. In the vegetable group, pick a root vegetable. Any of those are equally evil but the turnip goes the extra mile. As far as grains are concerned...after all these years, the evilest, the vilest, the hands-down all-around worst to me is rice. Particularly what my wife passes off as “Spanish rice,” which is nothing more than over-steamed white rice with tiny chunks of tomatoes that OD’ed on cumin. That’s evil you can taste, Murray. Thanks for writing, too.

I’m thinking of avoiding the firework frenzy this Fourth and just ringing bells – you know, like how they used to do it. I might bring up that old gong from the basement and put it in the backyard, too. That alone should keep the neighborhood animals at bay. Pretty rank, I know.

Any else ever wondered what would have happened if Joe wasn’t caught goin’ round with a gun in his hand?

recalling an interview with stefan schimpf

2009-06-13T20:37:00.003-05:00

This was our debut episode at the Compleat Bellairs with Stefan Schimpf. Stefan was most generous to come in and chat with us and I got the impression he felt genuinely pleased at not just being our first guest but being so beloved by our audience. After all, as I pointed out at the time, he’s really nothing more than a causal reference that authored a book that gets name-checked in The Face in the Frost. He’s no Moriarty or Hyde – or even an Izard, for that matter.

Couldn’t help but notice the jab at Goosebumps...it was always a hoot reading fans at the Compleat Bellairs interactive boards lob their low balls at Ben Stein.

Enjoy!

blog of conscience and sour melancholy

2009-06-09T19:04:00.002-05:00

Well, here’s how serious they are about this blog of evil. I received instructions a few days ago on how to activate my new email address. So now all you cats and kittens out there can write me at broteus-at-bellairsia-dot-com. So far my inbox has been blessed with greetings from Myron, Walther Lornten, Dalcy, our daughter, Sandrine, and King Joffer and Princess Needabarasopa, the deposed royalty of Zamunda who are keen on finding new business ventures.

Item! I was a sucker for big action and adventure in the 80s (believe it or not) and so I found the news that there might be a big boss decided upon for the impending A-Team movie very exciting. According to Variety, Liam Nielsen (Schindler’s List) is rumoured to portray the cantankerous Hannibal, a role originally made famous by actor George Peppard. The other key players (Face, Murdock, and Mr. T) have not been settled yet but that’s fine by me – they always confused me. Face was too perfect for hanging out with the others, and you knew Mr. T was always going to get angry, turn green, and take out a tank or two. Murdock was all over the place. Hannibal was the captain that made it happen in my book, always on the jazz, always with the right amount of gusto.

Anyway, with the new email address comes something new with All About Evil. We’re calling it “Ask All About Evil,” a chance for readers to write to their ol’ pal Broty and ask a question or two on evil books, evil clothing, or evil horses that participated at past Preakness Stakes (I’ve read Damrosch was known to nudge children into feeder troughs).

I’ve got a niece who crochets oven mitts and Dalcy and I received one in the mail last week or so. My wife likes stuff like this and immediately hung the thing on the wall above the oven. What good is it going to be there, I protested? Isn’t the mitt supposed to be used with the oven and not as a silly decoration? I suppose it will soon fall behind the oven like everything else.

Stay good!

two-thirds roast beast

2009-06-06T08:02:00.001-05:00

Today is June 6, 2009 which I heard yesterday on the radio was two-thirds the number for the sign of the beast (i.e. 669). I say it’s almost the sign of the beast with some topsy-turviness at the tail end. I don’t know what that means – aside from maybe that’s what I get for listening to AM radio on the way to school.

Item! The wife and I went to the movies yesterday afternoon and we stood in line for twenty minutes for this Land in the Lost movie staring Colin Farrell. Farrell portrays some sort of academic who discovers a bastardized version of the Lost World atop a plateau in Venezuela. Dalcy didn’t care for a lot of the humor in the show and I thought Jurassic Park had better dinosaurs. It’s all based on a 70s television show that I never knew about so perhaps our time could have been better spent elsewhere.

Another school year has come to a close. Phillips Lester was one of the commencement speakers this time around; he’s a local-boy-does-good hardship case. His story was that he paid his way through seven years of college here at the Hag by working at convenience stores back in the 50’s. After a series of setbacks Phil ended up purchasing a controlling interest in the company and now owns all the Oilzum Marts in this half of the state and makes pretty good money. He’s a good guy, though I have to admit I always thought he looked like the Oilzum racecar driver mascot.

I received an email from the boss (“Wilting” Lornten) asking me to add my AAE archives to the blog. At some point I’ll need to get with Myron to type the transcript from my interview with Larry Melichus, too. Talk about running a man thin.

Anyone out there like torte? I had a piece of knock-off sacher torte recently and found it quite refreshing – even though I don’t care much for apricots! I’ve never been wild about stoned fruit – I choked on a kernel as a child and therefore steer clear of peaches, apricots, and plums – but I was surprised by the delicate combination of chocolate and the fruit jam. I might see if I can take home an entire cake next time! Talk about being an excitable boy.

I sometimes wish I could play piano.

That’s all for now – I think I’m going to go off in search of a baseball game and something to drink. I have to admit that I’ve gotten a sweet tooth for this Honest Tea stuff I read about in the newspaper last year or so. I don’t know what a buckleberry is but they taste great!

the cruelest month

2009-04-15T14:03:00.000-05:00

Item! The semester is winding down and my teaching assistant Jack Dawkins tells me that I’ve been asked to start contributing more to that George Bellairs website. I’m tired of cataloging the same damn folios as it is so I might take up the boss (Mr. Lornten) on this request. I’ve also been asked by the Music Department to emcee an end-of-the-semester student concert, so apparently ol’ Broty is back in the game. It’s nice to be wanted.

Long time readers of the Bellairs page may remember my stint in years past interviewing evil-doers as part of my “All About Evil” series. I’m not exactly sure when my interest in the “evil arts” began (I tend to think graduate school), but I have enjoyed my association with these characters. Judging from the boss’s comments I need to do more interviews. Or compose transcripts of these interviews. (I secretly think this power trip stems from him being on the staff.)

Item! I’m sometimes asked by the school newspaper about the rarest books here in the Salamis Library. One of the more colorful tomes on display is not an original text but a copy of a copy. I’m not sure how the school acquired the Codex Colossus but it remains popular for those than wander in. As the story goes, a monk in the thirteenth century promised to write the book overnight to atone for his sins. Early the next morning he found the task near impossible and prayed for guidance to a certain “fallen angel.” By dawn the book had been spun into gold and the monk was free to marry the king’s daughter, Rapunzel. In tribute to the ghost writer, the monk added a feverish illustration of the “fallen angel” to the book. We prop the book open to that page since it’s the page that visitors want to see. Did I mention people do wander in? Special Collections is open weekdays from 10 A.M. to 4 P.M. (2 P.M. on Fridays).

I like marigolds and my wife, Dalchini, has transported some of the potted plants we have in the backyard into my office to try and liven up the place. They’re orange and Dalcy says it brings out my natural ruddiness.

Traffic has been heavier out on Maple Street the past week. I’m not getting the best gas mileage. My son-in-law says to give up the Fiero Indy – but it’s just so sweet a ride!

I guess that’s all for now. The shelves on the far wall aren’t going to dust themselves and I’ve still got to pay off Uncle Sam.

Q&A with Tori Sfinx

2007-05-07T18:19:00.000-05:00

Theme music (prominently featuring a harpsichord and xylophone) fades up.

Mitchell
Tonight, an evil conversation about the evil breakfast of evil champions.

Announcer
Somewhere on the stage of life, you'll find something that's All About Evil, with Dr. Broteus Mitchell.

Theme music fades out and under.

Mitchell
...yeah, thanks. Hey, everyone, an' welcome to the program, another exciting adventure that's All About Evil. I'm B.M. and I was talking with Myron about this earlier before we went to air - did you hear the one about the kid who woke up with a spider in his ear? Strange stuff - I've heard of nits and warts and bed bugs and such but those aren't usually in your ear. Kid said they sounded like Rice Krispies, snappin', poppin', and such, walkin' around up in there...and....

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
(to Myron): ...well, I don't know, I guess they could have just walked right in. Say, you've been irritable this week, maybe you got 'em, too.

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
...yeah, why don't you try that - just tilt your head and use your hand to give your other ear a good solid whack. Go ahead, just turn and - there you go - a nice, swift...

(A loud smacking noise is heard.)

Mitchell
(to Myron): ...to your head and see what - there, you see...(to audience): Myron's been talkin' loud and fallin' down a bit this week and thinks maybe he's got something in his ear, too, and...(to Myron): ...you got somethin'? Good, good - what is it?

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
(to Myron): now why on earth did you do that? (sighs)(to audience): this kid, Myron, we got runnin' things behind the scenes for us now...heard somethin' about pocket fishermen and pocket musicians...went out and bought him one of those new ear drummers - you seen those? Little buggers, 'bout yay high, sort of the size of one of those baby snails, I think; anyway, you just slide 'em in the ear and they come with the sticks and...(to Myron): ...hey, do you have to give them a rhythm or a beat or anything?

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
Huh-huh. Wow. That's just crazy. Anyway, enough of that, we've got Tori Sfinx tonight on the program with us, Sfinx is the head of PR at the Glomus Cereal company where they've recently come under fire for their totally evil...and totally delicious, I might add...hey, you had any of that evil cereal, Myron?

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
...no, don't go and put any Fateful Flakes in your ear. Anyway, Tori Sfinx is with us, stick around, fire up the evil-teenies and listen to sounds as they soar through the evil air.

(One hundred twenty seconds of advertisements, quite possibly the evilest advertisements ever produced.)

Mitchell
We're back - my guest tonight has been called the creator of the evilest breakfast cereal ever and - really?

Sfinx
That's what they say.

Mitchell
Wow - even more evil than Count Chocula and his six-pointed star?

Sfinx
Yes.

Mitchell
More vile than whatever it was they stuffed into Bigg Mixx?

Sfinx
(sighs and chuckles) Sad but true.

Mitchell
Huh. The product is Fateful Flakes and if you haven't heard of this stuff...well, it's being marketed as a 'bad start to your morning.' For those at home, it's flakes of bran and wheat or somethin' with little colorful bits of marshmallows, I think. I hope. Tori - first welcome to the show. Tori, I saw that early on in the campaign and didn't think much of it at the time; I thought maybe it was chock-full of sugar and other stuff moms don't want their kids to eat these days, but it's actually an evil...

Sfinx
Oh, yes.

Mitchell
...cereal. Please, tell us about it.

Sfinx
Well it began with a brainstorming meeting a year ago at our headquarters - we'd gotten so far with our Glomar and Special G brands and wanted to expand our fledging kiddie base. We tried that demographic in the 1960s with some less-than-spectacular stuff: Warty Wheat Smacks, wart-sized honey-flavored puffs of wheat popularized by a cartoon toad; and Gloomies, a vanilla-flavored concoction shaped like bones and skeletons. It might have glowed in the dark, too, but, uh...our stuff failed soon after General Mills kicked off their monster cereal brands and we've been stuck...

Mitchell
...Stuck deep in Glomar, it sounds like.

Sfinx
...in Glomar (laughs)....as you say, yes. So for Fateful Flakes, we researched the market and came up with something we thought expanded the popular Glomus name but was hip and trendy and would be something enjoyable for kids.

Mitchell
Let me ask up front: is this stuff healthy?

Sfinx
Oh, dear me - well, the flakes are. We were quick to jump on that whole "100% real grain" bandwagon, although I should point out our founder, Bagwell Glomus, was a real health nut and insisted on real grain and good-for-you products since our company was founded.

Mitchell
Glomus, he of Bellairs' The Mummy, the Will, and the Crypt fame.

Sfinx
Right.

Mitchell
But these marshmallow bits....

Sfinx
(laughing) Yes, the marshmallow bits. (Sighs) That's what's been the bane of our marketing campaign for the last three or four months now. It's not anything we would have thought kids would have tried but, I guess, that's our punishment for having warlocks compose your jingle.

Mitchell
Yeah, I suppose so - listen, why don't we listen to that jingle in a bit. First let's take a moment and listen to some other stuff, too. We'll take a break and come back with Tori Sfinx. Stick around; we'll be back in a moment.

(More evil commercials. Evil, I tells you - e-v-i-l!)

Mitchell
We're back, thanks, and we're with Tori Sfinx: so tell us about this warlock-penned jingle.

Sfinx
...the noted lyricist....

Mitchell
Well, the secret's been out for a while - it's Tom Lice....

Sfinx
...yes, who's done wonders for awful, evil animated movies everywhere and those lavish stage shows over in London's West End. Anyway...the jingle he came up with seemed innocent enough at first but it turned out to be some sort of mild charm - nothing overtly dangerous but not the sort of thing kids need to be reciting during the morning hours at the family breakfast table.

Mitchell
Uh-huh - let's go ahead and take a look at the advert in question - this is one that has been airing for the past few months now, right?

Sfinx
Yes, yes it has.

Mitchell
Far out - okay, Myron...kick that projector into gear, won't you?

(Animation: a black cat bounces playfully through an insect-infested forest; two children, one girl, one boy, try to catch the cat that always seems to jump out the children's reach at just the right time. Skies are overcast and nothing looks enjoyable - even the bowl of cereal the cat somehow manages to balance in his paws as he runs.)
Kid 1 & 2:
Black Cat!
Black Cat:
Hey, kids! You don't want to catch me! I'm bad luck!
Kid 1:
But his cereal isn't!
Kid 2:
It's gre..er, it's good!
Black Cat:
But they won't catch me or my cereal, Fateful Flakes with tiny malevolent marshmallows: pink spiders, yellow skulls, blue figurines, orange stars, green paperweights, and purple hands of glory. A great part of any breakfast!
(Each marshmallow of doom floats above the cat's head as he identifies it by name; however the cat and all the marshmallows fall when the cat trips over a flat slab of stone in the middle of a deserted clearing in the forest. There is writing chiseled into the stone.)
Kid 1:
Now we've got you!
Black Cat:
And seven years bad luck, too! Oh, bother.
Kid 1, Kid 2, and Black Cat:
(Singing): Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the coven and Fateful Flakes are aba ceresab bachabe delicious!

Mitchell:
What a terrible commercial.

Sfinx
Yes, it really is evil.

Mitchell
(Blankly): Uh...right. Evil. Uh, so do...that cat sort of looked like you, Myron, don't you think.

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
...well, I think you bring bad luck. Anyway, Tori, so the flack as I understand it comes from the cat's little singsong verse there at the end.

Sfinx
Yes, as I said, Tom Lice wrote it for us and we knew it was probably a charm of some sort but we really didn't know the...you know, it's true effectiveness. Kids picked up on its catchiness and began reciting it during breakfast and it levitates the cereal...

Mitchell
Yeah, this is what surprises me - it really levitates the little marshmallow pieces in mid air. About six-to-eight inches above the bowl, you said.

Sfinx
Correct. From our own tests we discovered that the milk gets pushed to either side of the bowl, as if someone were splitting the liquid in half, and then the little colorful pieces collect at the bottom of the bowl and then fly upward and...well, float.

Mitchell
Fascinating. Now, I've got a bowl here and...Myron? Myron, where the milk?

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
So I probably don't need milk, you say?

Sfinx
No, you could just open the box now and...

Mitchell
...okay, we're going to try this the old fashioned way; just rip it open and...you know, this stuff doesn't smell that bad.

Sfinx
Yeah....

Mitchell
Okay, Tori, you have the lyrics for me...yes, thank you. Let's see...is it aba ceresab bachabe?

(Marshmallow pieces float upward and hover about a foot above the box.)

Mitchell
Wow - now that's somethin' you don't see every day? And...check it out...you can just reach out and grab one and pop it in your mout....

Sfinx
No, wait! Don't! That's part of the problem!

Mitchell
Ah, so you said. We'll get to that in a moment, but let's take a break while I examine what's left inside this box. Sort of wish there was a free whistle or something in the bottom...I could get to it faster now....

(E-evil commercial, e-evil commercial, e-evil commercial, evil commercial.)

Mitchell
We're back - Tori, tell us what the big problem has been with this chant and floating cereal.

Sfinx
I think it's a bit obvious: while your audience was away watching commercials these bits of cereal haven't done much - they haven't sunken back into the box nor have they floated any higher. Go ahead and try to pull one of those purple pieces down - go ahead. Now let go. It defies gravity; you cannot get these things back down.

Mitchell
So what's the chant all about, then?

Sfinx
Ah, such is the fun of life. (giggle) We actually had to turn to Glomus' personal library of the occult to find some sort of answer; turns out the phrase 'aba...,' well, I'm not going to say it again but it's a variation on raising the dead.

Mitchell
Necromancy?

Sfinx
Yeah, something like that. However Tom Lice got the best of us and now instead of reanimating dead people we have a nationwide commercial that features a line that reanimates dead pieces of processed grains, you know - the cereal. In this case, at least, the marshmallow bits.

Mitchell
And you've pulled the ad?

Sfinx
No, not in all markets. But in those markets we have pulled the cereal from was due to other issues, mainly kids eating the floating cereal.

Mitchell
...hmmm, yes, you snapped at me earlier about that; I gathered something was wrong. What happens...?

Sfinx
Uh, well...it sounds crazy....

Mitchell
...as if floating breakfast cereal wasn't....

Sfinx
(Laughing) How true, how true - but if you think of a balloon with helium. By itself the balloon doesn't float. Once you fill it with helium....

Mitchell
Ah - the balloon rises.

Sfinx
And so do the kids. We heard about one household that bought nothing but Glomus brand products and went through two boxes in eight days. Somewhere the two children heard the jingle, said it themselves, and then ate the pieces in midair. By the time they got to school they were floating two feet above the ground.

Mitchell
So how do they get down?

Sfinx
Ah, there then is our company's challenge: we've got to find the spell that lowers the dead - if there is such thing.

Mitchell
(Not paying attention) So if I ate all these pieces of marshmallow in the air, and all the bits in those other boxes you brought, I could fly off, you're saying? What about the bits I've already eaten?

Sfinx
Nope - your teeth break it down into smaller pieces and then stomach acids dissolve the sugary lump into waste that is....

Mitchell
Right, right. Okay, I gotta see this - Myron! Come on over, kid - let's get you goofed-up on cereal. How does that sound?

Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)

Mitchell
Fine - have a box and run the show from over there. (Broteus tosses a box off camera) Well, Tori I wish you success in your endeavors and hope everything works out for you and the Glomus people.

Sfinx
Thank you, thank you for having me.

Mitchell
Our pleasure - here's to seven months of good luck for a change!

Sfinx
(Laughs)

Mitchell
All right then, my thanks to everyone for sticking around. And remember - believe only half of what you read. Aba ceresab bachabe, everyone!

Q&A with Dr. Timothy Foulest

2007-02-12T18:01:00.000-06:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to yet another exciting installment of All About Evil - it's like a talk show, only more evil. I'm your long-suffering host, Dr. Broteus Mitchell, who has spent the better part of five years editing gallery proofs of my up-and-coming multi-volume Cyclopedia of Minutia, a terse reference detailing the minorest of minor phenomenon; it's being published by Chittenden Press so look for it within the year.
We've got a real treat for evil-doers today. If you've ever been to an evil zoo or evil aquarium, you've probably seen the evil animals in their evil habitats and had questions - what are they? Where did they come from? What's really going on there? We're not talking about just any animal, however, we're talking about familiars - those cruel creatures that are at the beck and call of their evil owners. Today we're joined by one of the premiere zoologists in the field of familiars. He's known as the villain's veterinarian and the master of malevolent mammals - from the Green City Zoological Gardens, please give a warm, evil welcome to Dr. Timothy Foulest.

[Applause]

Foulest
Er...hi. Uh, where are the cameras?

Mitchell
Ah, yes. We're communicating with the audience through that two-way magic mirror there on the wall. It actually belongs to a wizard but we just borrow it for the show.

Foulest
Oh. Far out. Well, nice to be here, Broty.

Mitchell
Yes, we're glad you made it, and I know you've brought in some fine specimens, to boot, that we'll take a look at a little later. But before you bring them on, I'd like to know...our audience to know, too...a little bit about the concept of familiars.

Foulest
Okay, yes, easiest thing in the world - familiars are generally spirits workin' in association with people that practice witchcraft: witches, warlocks, that sort of thing. More often than not they assist their master in performing random tasks, like collectin' items or secretly eavesdropping on enemies, especially if they look like an ordinary animals. You know, a lizard or a bird or even a monkey - whatever turns you on. Of course, the darkest of the dark, the evilest or the evil, like to use creatures not of this earth, strange shapes in shadowy shades of gray that are pointy to the touch or have malicious breath.

Mitchell
...And it's some of these little gems that you've brought in for us, right?

Foulest
(laughing) Yeah, ha-ha...yeah, those little guys don't travel well without their masters sometimes and so...heh-heh...yeah, I didn't bring too many of 'em.

Mitchell
Not a problem. I wouldn't want to deal with something untamed either.

Foulest
Yeah.

Mitchell
So tell us, Tim, what did you bring with you? I see one of your assistants just off-stage with an interesting looking bird on their shoulder - can you tell us about that?

Foulest
Yes, I can. Silas? Yeah, Silas, go ahead and come on in here...that's it. Silas has a rare example from our zoo of a sarcogyps bicephalous - that's a two-headed vulture, as you can tell.

Mitchell
Indeed - an amazing specimen.

Foulest
Yeah, she's a...watch those beaks...she means business when she's hungry. This is Agatha and Emily...that's Agatha there on the left...and this species hails from beyond the forests of southeastern Europe. She's been part of our collection for a number of years now.

Mitchell
And she's a familiar?

Foulest
Oh, yes indeed, Broty. Agatha and Emily were...was...whatever - I get all tense trying to use the right verb when it comes to this little lady...

Mitchell
Of course.

Foulest
...but she indeed is a familiar, albeit a homeless one. Viceroy Jacques Dutren IV, a sorcerer from the thirteenth century conjured up this one. Apparently his attempts at prolongin' life didn't pan out for him as he expected, but instead transferred to Agatha and Emily. They've lost a lot of their abilities but aging isn't one of 'em. Yeah, calm down, girl. I think she's frightened by her reflection in the mirror.

Mitchell
And what a reflection it is, yes. We'll make a point of not having her look directly...at...that...can we move that mirror? Over there's fine, Myron. Uh...hmmm. Do you have some fish bits or something to keep her occupied?

Foulest
Yeah. Silas - get that emergency can of sardines out the duffle bag. Hurry now, and don't spare any of them.

Mitchell
So...wow, what a wing span...so this one is several hundred years old. Is everything at your zoo of that age? I mean, do you ever celebrate new births or stuff like real zoos do?

Foulest
Oh, we're a real zoo, too...

Mitchell
...but....

Foulest
...just because we've got some different animals than others doesn't make us any different.

Mitchell
True. My apologies - but surely you get new creatures from time to time...births, maybe?

Foulest
Oh, yeah, you're right, though. A couple of births, when it's possible - we don't run a 'Noah's Ark' type of operation, mind you. Agatha and Emily here, for example...we've got one other vulture like this and we've tried the mating thing but the male...

Mitchell
It doesn't work out.

Foulest
Nah. You'd think it the easiest thing in the world and all, but it doesn't always work out that way. We've also taken in a lot of other familiars that have become...sort of down-and-out and undesirable, as it was. You know, animals that no longer server their purpose.

Mitchell
And how, may I ask, does a familiar become homeless?

Foulest
Well, sort of like ol' Agatha and Emily here - the original owner died or decided he was getting out of the magic business. Some spells are stronger than other, you see, and once you create somethin' like this...you just can't get rid of it. So it sort of lingers around...looking for a home and, you know - just tryin' to survive.

Mitchell
Eat your heart out, Charles Darwin.

Foulest
Right.

Mitchell
Amazing stuff really, and the...well, let's get Emily and Agatha off the stage. They're done with that tin of fish and...I don't care for that one's eyes...it's...it's...

Foulest
Yeah, she's still a bit hungry. Silas, let's take it back and get her back in her cage.

Mitchell
Yeah, let's do that. Thanks. Thanks for bringing that one in, she's a real...

Silas
(Blood-curling screech from off stage)

Foulest
...yeah, she was still hungry...

Mitchell
Whoa - I hate when that happens. Yeah, let's take a break, too, shall we? We'll be back with our guest, Dr. Timothy Foulest, and his familiars, after this - stick around.

[120-seconds of advertisements, quite possibly the evilest advertisements ever produced...]

Mitchell
We're back with Dr. Timothy Foulest - his assistant, Silas, is offstage getting our second familiar ready. How...how is Silas, anyway?

Foulest
Yeah, I checked, he's fine. Just missing the tip of his thumb but I don't...I don't think Agatha would do that. Emily, that's another story altogether but I've never known her to go after humans like that. It's strange...

Mitchell
Yeah...lemmie tell you...anyway, uh, Tim, you've got a second familiar you want to show us now, isn't that right?

Foulest
Yeah, this one's a real charmer. This one just sort of showed up one day at the zoo and we've sort of adopted him...or her... It. Not sure what it is. It's not the prettiest little thing, that's for sure, but he gets the job done. Silas! Go ahead and wrap that hand and bring out the other thing....

Mitchell
Heh-heh...and...and what exactly is this one? You've got it all wrapped up in that cloak and all, sort of makes it hard to see....

Foulest
Well, I'll be honest, Broty, this isn't one I'm really wantin' to show off too much, especially to your younger viewers an' all. I meant it when I said this one wasn't really that pretty; in fact, it right down vulgar to some people. There's only a few people I work with that can stand looking at it without tossin' their cookies an' all. Not something for the faint of heart, if you get my drift.

Mitchell
Uh, right. I gathered it was sort of...uh, how you say...different, judging from that tentacle-thing daggling just below the cloak there. Charming little bugger. Short, too. Any idea where it's from?

Foulest
Actually, we've done some tests and think the species may have originated in Sweden back in the 1600s, but nothing conclusive. That's at least one of the earliest reports of such creatures on record. However, it apparently gets around, as there is a rather detailed account of it, or at least another one of these things, in New York State in the mid-1950s.

Mitchell
Yes, I believe that account is told in John Bellairs' The Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost. This then is the Windrow Familiar - or at least one similar to it. Startling to see one of them so close and so clearly. I must say, is it always wiggling to and fro like that?

Foulest
It's always moving, if that's what you mean. Not as violently as it is now. Whoa, calm down, guy. That and...Silas, why don't you just...yeah, that's it, try and wrap it up entirely in its cloak there. Yeah, Broty, it's always moving - some people on staff liken it to maggots or calamari.

Mitchell
A most delightful comparison, Tim. I've, uh, just been handed a card from the floor director, who in turn had a question from the audience. Someone wants to know if this little guy has a name?

Foulest
(chuckling) Yeah, this lil' sucker's got a name all right: Tostig. It's a family name....

Mitchell
...Is he supposed to be doing that?....

Foulest
...that we came up with - Silas! Let's get him in his cage now, he's really starting to shake...he's...I'm loosing my grip. Watch out! He's coming....

Silas
(Another screech from off stage, not as blood-curling as before but close)

Mitchell
Uh, ladies and gentlemen - I've seen some evil stuff on this show, but never anything as evil as that...

Foulest
It's really going to town on him. That's why we always travel with a fully stocked First Aid crew....

Mitchell
It's sucking the skin off his forehead! How much can they do to help the guy?

Foulest
Yeah, that's happened before. I won't lie to you - there's at least a dozen people who work with Tostig that have got patches of bones protruding through their skin where his little leech-like mouth caught them. It's not pretty.

Mitchell
It's evil.

Foulest
Exactly.

Mitchell
Indeed. I think we're going to leave it at that. Tim, my thanks....

Foulest
My pleasure, Broty.

Mitchell
Our guest today has been Dr. Timothy Foulest and his familiars from the Green City Zoological Gardens. My thanks...and I guess my sympathies, too, to your assistant, Silas. Tim, visit us again, won't you? Real good. That's this installment of All About Evil. I'm Broteus Mitchell and remember: believe only half of what you read!

Q&A with Broteus Mitchell

2001-03-01T21:00:00.000-06:00

Greetings and welcome to our fourth installment of All About Evil. I'm Broteus Mitchell and...really, now -- who would have thought we would have lasted this long? Not me. Over the past several months the viewer response to our program has been tremendous! Daily, we receive somewhere between zero and couple of e-mails, almost all of which have nothing to do with our program. But there has been that rare instance, where e-mail that actually pertains to the content of our show trickles in to boost our morale and these precious few, ladies and gentlemen, make it all worthwhile. So we'd like to take this installment to share with you the few messages we have received. They'll warm your heart.

Letter #1:

Dear Dr. Mitchell, I have a conspiracy theory I'd like to discuss with you. I've noticed that in The House With a Clock in Its Walls there happens to be a scene where Jonathan, Lewis, and Mrs. Zimmermann are being chased by a car just outside of New Zebedee, and they pass a general store with the word SALADA displayed prominently in its window. Then we see in Bigger's Grocery Store in The Letter, the Witch, and the Ring an old sign that once said SALADA on it. At first I thought this was the name of the town, but I knew that Bigger's Grocery Store was in Petoskey, Michigan and not very close to New Zebedee. Next I thought this was some kind of esoteric acronym perhaps standing for "Secret Anarchy Lovers Against Do-gooders Association" and that these storeowners were part of a subversive evil network of grocers. I also think "salada" in Spanish means something like "salted." Not that that helps, but any light you might be able to shed on my grocers' conspiracy theory would be greatly appreciated. And if S.A.L.A.D.A actually exists, I would be very interested in joining their ranks.
Thank you so much,
Reginald Floorbarker

The "Secret Anarchy Lovers Against Do-gooders Association" is indeed a highly esoteric organization whose soul existence is for the promotion and propagation of anarchy. They have chapters all across this great country where they meet once a month, usually at a picnic, backyard barbeque, or that sort of thing. They have a very active singles group as well as... as well as...oh, I can't go on like this. Sorry to get your hopes up Mr. Groundwoofer, but Salada is actually a brand of tea found generally in the northeast and Canada. Those signs were just old advertisements and nothing else.

Letter #2:

I am a 13-year-old boy who is quite certain his grandmother is a witch. Is it legal to burn her at the stake? If not, what should I do? No one believes me. How would someone my age go about proving this? Please advise soon. We are due for a family reunion in a month and I want to be prepared.
Samuel Kirtzwell

At one time or another many of us go through a phase in which we think a grandparents are evil or at least sinister and should be avoided at all costs. However, there are countless ways of testing to see if your grandmother is a witch. The first thing you need to ask yourself though is do you really think she is a witch, or just simply behaves and looks like one? Samuel, people tend to get cranky and rather unsightly as they grow older, and I'm sure your grandmother's no exception. And even if she is a witch, need I remind you that not all of them are evil. Take for example, Florence Zimmermann. She is a witch who practices white magic. So once you've established that see is a witch, you still need to make sure that she is an evil one before you can go around setting her on fire. Here is what you do. At this family reunion bring along a copy of the perennial favorite Malleus Maleficarum (aka the Hammer of Witches) and make sure she sees it. If she asks you about the book, tell her you're just doing a witch-finding science project for school and your looking for possible candidates. Observe her reactions closely. If you find the Malleus Maleficarum to be somewhat daunting, I might suggest the indispensable Complete Idiots Guide to Witch Identification and Persecution by Omyga Sheezawich. This lively little book offers a clear and concise approach to witch demolition. Good luck Samuel, and happy witch hunting!

Letter #3:

Dr. Mitchell, I have awaited each installment of All About Evil with great anticipation, as I am a very serious and passionate student of the black arts. But each and every time I finish one of your installments, I feel as though I have just downed a gallon of paint while getting struck about the head by a two-by-four. I seriously doubt this is the reaction you are striving to invoke for your viewers, so I write to you to express my concerns and as a plea to stop with all this nonsense. I am sorry, but your installments have very little, if anything to do with evil: an established and respected member of the evil community, Stefan Schimpf, being compared to Urkel, grown men boxing with old women, and now Regis-eating monsters and evil spatula-headed Telletubbies. To be perfectly honest, it makes me ill to see all this. I really don't know what to make of it all. It seems to me that this is primarily just a pathetic, sophomoric attempt at humor -- and I do mean "humor" in the very loosest sense of the word -- for I find very little of it to be humorous, mainly just offensive. Your irreverence towards the great works of John Bellairs is appalling! Please, I beg of you. Come to your senses and stop with all of this silly nonsense. Need I remind you that in your initial installment you told us that All About Evil would stop at nothing to get at the root of all evil while exploring the dark, forbidden worlds of the supernatural and occult? Now snap out of it and let's get back to a more serious and respectful pursuit of evil!
Yours truly,
Dr. R. Biggletowe
Professor of Evil Studies
Miskatonic University

Thank you so much for your kind letter. Here at All About Evil we have given a great deal of serious thought to your proposals. To be perfectly honest, we agree with you 100%. No matter how much we hate to admit it, we do seem to have lost our way. Rest assured though, our next installment will put us right back on track to Seriousville! The writers here at All About Evil are in the final stages of wrapping up a four-part puppet show/musical miniseries! The Bone, the Bowl, and the Fire Hydrant will be modeled after Brad Strickland's The Bell, the Book, and the Spellbinder. It will feature Wishbone as Johnny Dachshund as he battles the evil Jarmyn Thanatos played by none other than Lamb Chop! We feel sure that this epic of puppets, music, mayhem and mystery will redeem our tattered reputation and gain once again your valued respect.

Letter #4:

To whom it may concern: I have a 3 year-old son who loves the Teletubbies, and Tinky Winky in particular. A few days ago my husband and I sat down with young Phillip for our daily "explorer time" and did a search on the Internet for information on Tinky Winky. We were lead to your page All About Evil and soon read what you had said about Tinky Winky being evil and in league with Nelly Chisanbop Hotep, or what ever that horrible creature's name is. Luckily, Phillip could not grasp the full implications of your page, but suffice it to say his eyes grew wide with fear, and he leapt from my lap and fled back into his room. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, spreading malicious lies like that. Now Phillip has to sleep with the lights on as he thinks a purple spawn of Satan with a spatula on its head is going to come out of the closet and devour him. How do you sleep at night?
[Signed], Sarah Williams.

Thank you so much for your kind letter. We try extra hard here at All About Evil to bring you the most accurate and up to date information available. The sooner young Phillip learns that the Teletubbies are indeed Satan's evil henchmen, the better. Thanks again and let us know if there is anything else we can do for you. Give Phillip our regards. And as far as sleeping goes, I usually warm a glass of milk around beddy bye time and I get my mother to tuck me in and read to me something out of The Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost, or if I'm feeling especially courageous, a passage out of The Mummy, the Will, and the Crypt.

Letter #5:

Dr. Mitchell, I am a 74-year-old witch who has enjoyed a long, fulfilling life of practicing black magic. And until recently I have gone undiscovered. But as fate would have it, after all these years it's my know-it-all grandson who suspects my true identity. I was hoping you would be able to offer me some sound advice on how to handle this most delicate situation. We are due for a family reunion in a few weeks and I'm a bit concerned on how to behave around him. Some of my less tolerant friends say that I should either eat him. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have a problem devouring that smug, precocious little twerp, but somehow I don't think my daughter would appreciate this. Please help.
Yours truly,
Idabel "Baba Yaga" Williams

I see your dilemma and yes, it is quite serious. However, your grandson is probably just going through a stage. More than likely he'll simply grow out of it and soon be too old to believe in such things. You should be in the clear in a few years anyway, but until that time, I might suggest a few things that you can do.
If you notice him carrying around any books dealing with witch identification and persecution, make sure he sees you eyeing the cover of the book, then let out a malicious sounding hiss as you whisper to him "Your soul is mine, Pansy Boy." Drooling while licking your lips will help convince him you mean business.
If this doesn't work or seems perhaps a little harsh, read to him "Hansel and Gretel" and when you finished the story, act sad, and tell Sa - eh, tell your grandson that you think this is one of the greatest tragedies in western literature. Troublesome little children who stick their noses where they don't belong deserve to be eaten. Then ask him if he doesn't agree. Perhaps he'll get the message. All in all it sounds like you have the makings for a very special family reunion. I only wish I could be there to help.

Well that about does it for this installment of All About Evil. Keep all those e-mails coming and we'll see you next time. And remember... Believe only half of what you read!

who wants to be an evil heir?

2001-01-23T19:00:00.002-06:00

Dr. Mitchell:
Hi, friends - it's your ol' pal, Broty Mitchell here. Due to technical difficulties - mainly the magic mirror being on strike - the regularly scheduled installment of All About Evil will not be seen at this time. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused our viewers. We bring you instead an encore performance of the final episode of Who Wants to be an Evil Heir already in progress. Enjoy.

Regis Illman:
And your name?

Gert Bigger:
Gert Bigger.

Illman:
Yes you most certainly are! Ah hah, hah, hah....oh, I mean you don't say. What an unusual name? What is it?

Bigger:
Listen weasel, I didn't come here to get all chummy with you. So let's cut the small talk and get to the questions.

Illman:
Now hold on just a minute. According to the book, The Letter, the Witch, and the Ring, it says that you were tricked by the demon Asmodai and turned into a willow tree. That must have been very embarrassing. Would you like to explain that one to our audience? It also says in here that you once had a crush on a boy named Mordecai Hunks. Just think, if you would have hitched up with him, you'd be Gert Hunks.

Bigger:
I've had about enough out of you weasel. If you don't start with the real questions, I'm going to show you why they call me a witch.

Illman:
All right then, have it your way. Let's play "Who Wants to be an Evil Heir!" Gert, here comes your $100 question. Which of the following is NOT one of the main characters in the books of John Bellairs?

A) Anthony Monday
B) Lewis Barnavelt
C) Your mamma
D) Johnny Dixon

Bigger:
I'll say "C, your mamma."

Illman:
She's right for $100! Here comes your $200 question! Who is John Bellairs' favorite author?

A) R.L. Stine
B) Tobias Smollet
C) John L. Stoddard
D) Charles Dickens

Bigger:
I don't really know that much about John Bellairs, but it seems I read in an interview one time that he kind of liked Charles Dickens. So I'm going to say "D, Charles Dickens."

Illman:
Is that your final answer?

Bigger:
What do you think, snapper head?

Illman:
"D" is right! All right, now for your $300 question. What was the professor's code name while operating as an intelligence officer during WW I?

A) Mr. Cranky
B) The Crab
C) Your Mamma
D) Pickle

Bigger:
Mmmm, these are getting tougher. I think I'm going to have to ask the audience on this one.

Illman:
All right audience, Gert needs your help.

[A pause while the audience members make their selections]

Illman:
Wow! 25% said "A", 25% said "B," "25% said "C," and what do you know, 25% said "D." Tough break Gert.

Bigger:
Well, I came to play, so let me go ahead and take the fifty-fifty.

Illman:
All right let's take away two of the wrong answers please...and Gert, there are your two choices:

B) The Crab
C) Your Mamma

Bigger:
Mmmm, "Your Mamma" was the first thing that jumped out at me, so I think I'm going to have to say "B, Your Mamma." Final answer.

Illman:
Is that your- yes, I guess it is. No, I'm so sorry, the correct answer was "C, The Crab." Gert, I'm so sorry. Thanks for playing though. Better luck next time.

What a pleasant lady. Reminds me a little bit of my grandmother - in a nightmarish sort of way. Sorry she didn't win more. But sometimes that's just the way it goes. All right. It's time for our next fastest finger/claw/tentacle question. Contestants, are you ready? Mr. Thanatos, please, I'm not going to tell you again to turn around and quit staring at the children in the audience. You're making everyone uncomfortable. All right. Everyone get ready. Here goes! Put the following places in geographical order starting with the north and moving south.

A) New Zebedee, Michigan
B) Duston Heights, Massachusetts
C) Hoosac, Minnesota
D) Isle au Haut, Maine

And the winner is...in zero seconds, at that...Nyarlat-Hotep! Congratulations Nyarlat-Hotep. Come on over and let's get started. Zero seconds, wow! That must be some kind of record. You must have entered your choices before the clock started. How'd you do it?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I know everything. I will conquer all.

Illman:
Do you mind not drooling on the console there, Mr. Hotep? Thank you. That's an interesting name you've got there. You want to tell us a little about yourself.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I know everything. I will conquer all.

Illman:
That's fascinating, Mr. Hotep. Tell you what, the producers of the show had a feeling conversation wasn't going to be your strong suit, so they did a little research on you and this is what they came up with. It seems you've been around for quite some time, going back to the days of the ancient Egyptians. And that in your spare time you like to cast entire continents into the ocean in order to feed on the terror and grief of a million dying souls. And that you didn't make a very good pirate as you were more interested in killing your victims than taking their gold. Your last known appearance was in the book The Wrath of the Grinning Ghost by Brad Strickland. Anything you'd like to add, Mr. Hotep?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I know everything. I wil...

Illman:
...Yes, yes, very nice. I'm proud of you. People, could we get a bib out here for Mr. Hotep? He seems to be overly excited. Okay, Mr. Hotep. Here is your $100 question: Which of the following characters was NOT an evil presence in the books of John Bellairs?

A) Rufus Masterman
B) Edmund Stallybrass
C) Jute Feasel
D) Anders Borkman

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I know ev'r...C. The answer is "C, Jute Feasel." The only thing evil about that man is his mouth.

Illman:
And he's right for $100! All right Nyarlat, here is your $200 dollar question: According to Shakespeare and Chadwick Glomus, what does it mean when the flame of the candle you are holding turns blue?

A) The flame is about to go out.
B) An evil presence is near.
C) Someone just died.
D) K-Mart is having a sale.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I will conq--Is this some kind of joke? Any dimwit would know the answer is "B, an evil presence is near." That's common household knowledge!

Illman:
One wonders if you're a blue-blooded evil presence -- yes! And he's got it for $200! Way to go Mr. Hotep. So why don't you tell us who you brought with you tonight.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
My wife, Betsy.

Illman:
Hello Mrs. Hotep and welcome to the show.

Betsy Hotep:
Rrrarrrghrooaar!!!!

Illman:
Heh-heh - does she know everything, too? Has she conquered you?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Watch it, little man.

Illman:
Really, Mr. Hotep -- you dog, you. She's a peach! Could we get a bib for Mrs. Hotep as well and raincoats for our audience members sitting next to her? Sorry, Leo. Thanks guys.

[Suffice it to say that Nyarlat-Hotep effortlessly answers all the questions up to the $250,000 level]

Illman:
Okay, Nyarlat. Here is your $250,000 question: How much money was paid to Anthony Monday when he sold the treasure of Alpheus Winterborn to the Oriental Institute at the University of Chicago?

A) $5,000
B) $25,000
C) $50,000
D) $125,000

Nyarlat-Hotep:
This is like stealing candy from a baby. "D," final answer.

Illman:
And you're right for $250,000! All right Nyarlat. You're going for $500,000. Are you ready?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Rrrrrrrr.

Illman:
Right. Here we go. What sound does a fuse box dwarf make?

A) Woo Hah!
B) Yaa-maa
C) Dreeb! Dreeb!
D) Rraarrrghrroaaarrr!!!!

Nyarlat-Hotep:
A fuse box dwarf? There's no such creature!

Illman:
I'm afraid there is Mr. Hotep. It happens to be the magical creation of Jonathan Barnavelt, and if you're wanting to advance any further, then you're going to have to tell us what sound it makes.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Don't get smart with me weasel. If this is a trick question, you're going to wish you were never born, little man!

Illman:
That's nice, Nyarlat. How about an answer.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I think I'd like to contact a friend.

Illman:
You have friends? Could have fooled me. All right Mr. Hotep. Who can we contact for you?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I'd like to contact Tinky Winky.

Illman:
What's a Tinky Winky?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
A Teletubby

Illman:
A what?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
A Teletubby

Illman:
You know a Teletubby? Is it an evil Teletubby?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Are there any other kind?

Illman:
Good point. Okay magic mirror. Do your stuff. We need you to contact the Tinky Winky.

Magic mirror:
I'm on break.

Illman:
You're what??? I'll give you a break if you don't hurry up and contact that Teletubby!

Magic mirror:
Yes master. Should I get Hanky Panky while I'm at it?

[A vision of a purple Teletubby with an unidentified cooking utensil on its head and carrying a red handbag materialized and begins waving innocently at the mirror.]

Illman:
I don't believe this. And what is that in the background, some kind of giant, hideous sun-baby pulsating out deadly energy. Oh my gosh! This must be the apocalypse. Oh, all right, like I can do anything about it. Stinky Winky, or whatever your name is. Nyarlat-Hotep needs your help. I can't bear to look at this...

Tinky Winky:
Eh-oh.

Illman:
That's right. He's going for $500,000, and he's stuck. I'm going to turn it over to Nyarlat who is going to ask you a question with four possible answers. It's all yours Mr. Hotep. You got 30 seconds beginning right now.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Okay, Tinky Winky. What sound does a fuse box dwarf make? Is it "A, Woo Hah," "B, Yaa-maa," "C, Dreeb! Dreeb!" or "D, Rraarrrghrroaaarrr!!!!?"

Tinky Winky:
Eh-oh.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
"Eh-oh" is not one of the choices spatula head! You'd better start talking some sense or you, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po are going to find yourselves in a world of hurt. Are you trying to say "woo-hah"?

Tinky Winky:
Eh-oh.

Illman:
I don't think Stinky is capable of saying anything else besides "eh-oh" Nyarlat. You got 10 seconds.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
SILENCE!

Tinky Winky:
Eh-oh.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
All right, all right. Just make the shape of the letter with your body.

[Quickly Tinky Winky curves his body into a letter C and then the mirror grows dark.]

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I think that was a "C" he was making.

Illman:
So, Mr. Hotep. I guess the question now is: do you trust a Teletubby -- one that carries a handbag I might add?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Rrrrrrrrrr. I'm going to say "C" final answer.

Illman:
And....... you're right for $500,000!!! Nyarlat, you're one question away from $1,000,000. What are you going to do with all that money if you win it?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Enslave the souls of mankind, starting with yours, and then destroy the world.

Illman:
Oh come on, Nyarlat. You mean to tell me there aren't any Nyarlat-Hotep juniors running around back home? You know that they are going to need a college education some day.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I said I will destroy everyone in the world, starting with you!! Rrraarghroaarrrr!!!

Illman:
Ambition. I like that in a contestant. I'm happy for you, Nyarlat. I see you eyeing that pitcher of water there. Are you thirsty?

Nyarlat-Hotep:
What kind of water is this?

Illman:
It's from one of our proud sponsors, Lethe Mineral Water. Try it. It's refreshing. All that roaring and slobbering you've been doing. You must be parched.

Nyarlat-Hotep:
I am rather thirsty.

[Nyarlat-Hotep takes the entire pitcher of Lethe water, tosses it in his mouth and begins crunching. In no time at all, his sinister mind is wiped clean of all past recollection]

Illman:
Well, good luck Nyarlat. No lifelines left, so your flying solo on this one. But here we go for $1,000,000. If you happen to be shopping at Masterman's Bottle Shop and notice the sign, SPECIAL TODAY. PESTS IN SMALL CONTAINERS, what would you most likely find in these containers?

A) Dry locusts
B) Roderick and Humphrey Childermass
C) Spiders
D) Regis Illman

Nyarlat-Hotep:
Where am I? What is this place? Who are you? I'm so hungry I could, I could, eat a weasel. Mmmmm. Come here you...

Illman:
Mr. Hotep, please remain seated. I'm not allowed to hug the contestants. So if you don't mind putting your tentacles down, I would greatly appreciate it. Oh my gosh! Your not going to hug me are you???

Nyarlat-Hotep:
...Rrraaarrrgggroooaaaarr!!!!!

[Standing ovation from the audience]

Magic mirror:
Ding dong, the weasel is dead, the weasel is dead, the weasel is dead. Ding dong the wicked weasel is dead!

Dr. Mitchell:
Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what that was all about, but I want to inform you of some late breaking news. The magic mirror has ended its strike! Which means we will be bringing you the next installment of All About Evil shortly. Again, we apologize for any confusion this may have caused our viewing audience. See you next time and remember... Believe only half of what you read!

an interview with hugo c. philpotts

2001-01-09T19:00:00.002-06:00

Welcome everyone to yet another installment of All About Evil. As you may recall, our last installment ended with a rather frustrated mad cobbler declaring that he was going to break the mirror we were using to communicate with. Well, I'm sorry to report to you that he did just that. However, we have been lucky enough to obtain a back-up mirror, once again on loan from the ever-generous Prospero. This mirror, he tells us, is competent but somewhat sarcastic, and he wouldn't mind terribly if it breaks. Ah, hah, hah!

Magic Mirror:
I heard that!

Dr. Mitchell:
Prospero also lent us a several cakes of soap to rub on the mirror incase it gets out of hand. Did you hear that as well?

Magic Mirror:
Empty threats from armchair scholar.

Dr. Mitchell:
Please don't test me. Just do your job and transmit. All right, let's move on, shall we? There were a few questions from our audience in our last installment that were, how do I say, somewhat off topic and only served to frustrate our featured guest. Need I remind you, our guests are generally frustrated as it is and don't need any assistance from our audience. Please keep this in mind. But to be on the safe side, for this installment we have personally screened each audience member and are quite confident in their loyalty and sincerity in learning more about the dark side. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused our evil viewers and guest.

Allow me to introduce to you this evening our special guest Mr. Hugo C. Philpotts. Mr. Philpotts is the delightfully despicable villain of the John Bellairs novel The Treasure of Alpheus Winterborn. Hugo is the rather materialistic nephew of the late millionaire Alpheus T. Winterborn. He is a graduate of Harvard and worked summers at the Hoosac Public Library. After graduation, Hugo worked his way up to vice-president of the First National Bank of Hoosac. Unfortunately, in trying to recover the hidden family treasure he ends up losing his job and is basically run out of town. For several years now he has stewed in his own misfortunes and hatred for certain Hoosac residents and is now willing to talk with us. Mr. Philpotts, welcome and thank you for joining us.

Hugo Philpotts:
My pleasure.

Dr. Mitchell:
What do you say we just throw caution to the wind and go ahead and open the floor to questions? Something tells me we are in for some good ones!

Philpotts:
Why not?

Question from Audience #1:
Hey, enough of this stupid chin music already! What time does the movie start?

Dr. Mitchell:
I'm sorry. The movie?

Question from Audience #1:
Yeah, my ticket stub right here says "Showtime 7:30" and it's past that now thanks to all your yakin'. What gives?

Dr. Mitchell:
Your ticket stub? What movie were you hoping to see?

Question from Audience #1:
It says right here All About Eve!

Philpotts:
Would you mind if I fielded this one, Broty?

Dr. Mitchell:
Be my guest.

Philpotts:
Excuse me - Neanderthal, was it? Been reading long? You happen to be sitting in the audience of the talk show All About Evil not the movie All About Eve and there won't be any film here this or any other evening, especially one so wretched as that. Please, promptly exit to the rear.

Audience:
Applause

The voice of Bette Davis coming through the mirror:
Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.

Dr. Mitchell:
Would you like to try Life Buoy or Palm Olive first in this all-you-can-eat soap buffet?

Magic Mirror:
Yeeuchh! All right, all right, I'll be quiet and transmit like a good little mirror.

Dr. Mitchell:
...such a pain in the glass...who's next!?!

Woody Mingo:
Hello, my name is Woody Mingo, and first of all I just wanted to say what an honor it is to be able to speak with you Mr. Philpotts. Your cold-hearted malevolence and greedy nature have been a source of inspiration for countless bullies and other aspiring scoundrels like myself. Your torment of Anthony Monday is legendary.

Philpotts:
Why, thank you young man. You're most kind.

Mingo:
My question is this sir. What advice would you have for a budding bully like me? I mean, I want more than anything to be a really good bad guy. I just don't know where to start.

Philpotts:
Well Mr. Mingo, let me begin by saying how proud I am of you. I've read what you done to that sniveling little crybaby Lewis Barnavelt, and I must say, your work show great promise. See, you already have a wonderful head start in life. I was no bully back when I was your age. No, I was more what you might call a bully magnet. I attracted bullies attention simply because they were intimidated by my intellect. I knew then and there while my head was being dunked in the toilet, or when I was yet again thrown in the nearby river, that all of this was for a higher purpose, and that I was indeed destined for greater things. And for you, the prospects are almost limitless. Let's see...with your aptitude for aggressive, mindless behavior towards those weaker than yourself, you might consider a job as a coach or possibly even as a history professor. And one of the best perks of all in choosing this career path is that you never have to stop picking on children. Just look at me. I'm a grown man and still do it. It's one of life's simple pleasures.

Audience:
Applause

Danny:
Hello, my name is Danny, and me and sister, we live next door to this really mean, smelly old mutt who barks all the time, and when he gets out he likes to chase and bite the neighborhood kids. Well, me and my sister, we like to throw rocks at the mangy mutt, only we don't call it mutt, we call it Philpotts. How do you like them apples?

Philpotts:
I'm flattered, really. What did you say your name was again, you vile little urchin?

Danny:
Danny.

Philpotts:
Well, Daniel, let me tell you something. I have a bothersome little mouse that has been staying with me rent-free for quite some time now, and to be perfectly honest, I'm growing rather tired of him. He seems to be getting into my antique collection and making holes wherever he sees fit, and I simply can't have that. Well, to make a long story short, up to this point, I haven't had the opportunity of naming the cute little rodent. But I think now I'll name him Danny before one of my mousetraps catches him and breaks his pathetic little neck. Take that to the bank!

Danny:
You meanie!!! Oooo, mister, if I had a rock right now!

Dr. Mitchell:
All right, all right, gentlemen please, I must...

Philpotts:
How about some cheese there Daniel?

Dr. Mitchell:
Mr. Philpotts, please! Let's act like adults! Perhaps we should go to an intermission and give everyone a chance to cool down. Daniel! Have a seat please and put down that shoe. In all my days I never... I am so glad we decided to screen the audience first this week. A big help that was!

Magic Mirror:
O-over-head the moon is SCREEEEAMING, Whi-ite as turnips on the Rhine...

Five minute intermission that feels like thirty.

Dr. Mitchell:
Welcome back everyone. Sorry about all that. I think everyone has calmed down now and we should be able to proceed. Not one to break with tradition, why don't I get in my token question. Mr. Philpotts, please tell us whom of all the Bellairsian characters would you most like to go 5 rounds in the boxing ring with?

Philpotts:
What an excellent question! Would I be able to warm up on young Daniel here?

Dr. Mitchell:
Mr. Philpotts please!

Philpotts:
All right. Well, let's see... Not a day goes by that I don't think about what I would like to do to Anthony, Miss Eells, and that pompous brother of hers, Emerson, if I saw them again. Well, if I had a choice, I would set a date for the event, giving me ample time to "borrow" the gold statue from the Oriental Institute at the University of Chicago. Need I remind everyone that this was the treasure my lovely uncle hid in that blasted weathervane?

Dr. Mitchell:
Oh yes, we remember.

Philpotts:
Well, I would then have it melted down so it would fit discreetly into my boxing glove and then I'd be ready for the fight. The first round of course I would reserve for Anthony. It shouldn't take more than a round to make him eat the canvas. Round two I would dance toe-to-toe with Miss Eells. And I wouldn't have any trouble tagging this woman. As you may recall I did it once before. Hah, hah, hah.

Dr. Mitchell:
Ahhh, yes! I do seem to recall an article in the Hoosac Daily Sentinel where someone broke into Miss Eells' home, clobbered her from behind and took the mirror that rightfully belonged to you. That was you? How on earth could you bring yourself to hit a defenseless old lady?

Philpotts:
From behind, naturally. Now, with Miss Eells counting stars, I would have 3 rounds saved for that know-it-all attorney. With great relish I would spend them stuffing that oversized cake hole of his with my boxing gloves... Ahhh yes, the stuff dreams are made of.

Dr. Mitchell:
Mr. Philpotts, it's been a pleasure. Any chance we will be seeing you again in one of the upcoming novels?

Philpotts:
I seriously doubt it. Someone out there doesn't much care for the Anthony Monday books. I can't quite figure out why. They're not without their charms. But I believe the last Monday book to see the light of print was The Mansion in the Mist and that was some time ago. I think I might lay low for a while and who knows what next. I've heard New Zebedee, Michigan and Duston Heights, Massachusetts are lovely little towns in the springtime and full of people you just love to hate.

Dr. Mitchell:
Yes indeed. That's our time - thank you and goodnight! And remember...believe only half of what you read!

an interview with stefan schimpf

2000-10-18T15:00:00.004-05:00

Greetings all and welcome to the first installment of All About Evil. I'm Broteus Mitchell and I'll be your host and facilitator for this section. What is All About Evil? Well, it's all about evil, naturally. Every installment will feature an evil Bellairsian guest who we will get to know by asking hard-hitting questions and stopping at nothing to get at the very heart of darkness that beats within them. We will find out what it is to be evil and what makes them evil. Topics covering the grotesque, the freakish, the absurd, and the shocking will not be spared in our journey. So if you have a weak heart or fragile constitution, this section may not be for you.

Without further ado let's move on to the first installment of All About Evil. Our first guest will be Stefan Schimpf, the mad cobbler of Mainz, more commonly known as the author of the dreaded Krankenhammer alluded to in Bellairs' The Face in the Frost. We speak to him tonight through a magic mirror, courtesy of Prospero.

Dr. Mitchell:
Stefan, welcome and thanks for talking to us.

Schimpf:
Anything for an evil cause. And please, just call me mad cobbler.

Dr. Mitchell:
I guess, seeing how this is our first program, I'll get us started with a rousing question. Please, Mr. Cobbler, tell us one of your all-time favorite villains in the works of Bellairs and or Strickland and why this is so?

Schimpf:
Ha, ha, other than myself of course, well let's see...

Dr. Mitchell:
Actually - sorry for interrupting - but I don't consider you in the running. I mean your book, the Krankenhammer is mentioned but twice in The Face in the Frost and nowhere else in the works of Bellairs, or any other literary work that I can tell. And there is absolutely no reference to you as a character at all. Just the fact that you are a shoemaker, does very little for striking fear in my heart. I mean, how sinister can a shoemaker be?

Schimpf:
Yes, but my masterpiece is known as the dreaded Krankenhammer. If it is dreaded, it must be chockfull of evilness.

Dr. Mitchell:
Couldn't it be dreaded because it's terribly written or terribly boring and not evil at all?

Schimpf:
What are you driving at?

Dr. Mitchell:
...o-kay. Allow me to rephrase the question -- besides yourself, who is one of your all-time favorite evil characters in the works of Bellairs and or Strickland, and please tell us why?

Schimpf:
Why didn't you say so. Okay, let's see. Well, one name that quickly comes to mind is Hugo Philpotts, the evil banker and nephew of Alpheus T. Winterborn from the wonderful book The Treasure of Alpheus Winterborn. First of all, he manages to come across as extremely contemptible and menacing without ever using sorcery. What other Bellairsian villain can say that? Now, I'm not discounting sorcery. It has its time and place, but you have to hand it to good ol' Hugo. In one beautiful scene alone he gets away with insulting Anthony by calling him a "filthy little wretch" right in front of his parents and then turns around and calls Mr. Monday a "disgusting, beer-guzzling clod" right to his face. How glorious! Granted, if the rest of the Monday clan hadn't gathered around Mr. Monday he would have no doubt made mincemeat out of Hugo. Still, the man shows gall and a gifted tongue. And the poor man is unduly maligned. He wins a mirror at an auction fare and square, but that busybody Miss Eells and Monday kid are in cahoots with the auctioneer and end up getting the mirror for a lower price than what Hugo was willing to pay. Heck, I'd be ticked off too. And on top of that, he looses his job at the bank and is basically run out of town. But it's like I always say, "once evil, twice evil." I'm sure he's no doubt working in some other bank in some other city making customer's lives a living hell.

Dr. Mitchell:
Perhaps now we should open the floor to questions.

Schimpf:
With pleasure.

Question from the audience #1:
Is it true that you were named after Steve Urkel's cool character "Stefan" on the TV show Family Matters?

Schimpf:
Steve who? Huh? Is he evil? Unless this Steven Gurgle fellow was born centuries ago, I would have to doubt it. The name "Stefan" has been in our family for centuries, being passed down from generation to generation. My grandfather had it last and now I carry on this most proud name. Urkel indeed.

Question from the audience #2:
My daddy says you're really not mad at all, but just some frustrated old coot too lazy to make an honest living, like the Professor or Emerson Eells, and instead choose to spend your time picking on and hurting others. He also says you make a lousy role model for today's youth.

Schimpf:
Thanks for sharing that. Is there a question in there somewhere? I don't find it. But let me just say this. I didn't start off life as evil. It took years and years of dedication and practice. I never wanted to be some goody-two-shoes or a Mr. know-it-all professor. No, no, far from it. At an early age I realized I wanted to wreak havoc on people, to make their lives miserable. And I found that in doing so, I became a happier person. Ask your father about that. He seems like the type who could relate to this. And while you're at it, tell him to go take a long walk off a short pier, complements of the lazy cobbler.

Question from the audience #3:
Hello, I've often wondered why none of the bad guys in John Bellairs' books ever win in the end. You'd think that after a while they would start to get the message and stop trying. Maybe then they would give up and start trying to make better people of themselves.

Schimpf:
Well, that's a dilemma that has vexed me and countless other villains for centuries now, and if I had the solution to it, I probably wouldn't be answering idiotic questions through a mirror from the likes of you. But just let me say this. Being evil is a quite difficult undertaking. There are setbacks upon setbacks that can be utterly devastating to all but the most stalwart evildoer. The goals of the maniacal, the deranged, and the megalomaniac are often unrealistic, misguided, and for the most part virtually impossible to achieve, but once in a long while one of them succeeds. And this alone makes all the other setbacks and failures worthwhile. In the end, it only takes one. Boy, just once I'd like to see one of these books end with a couple of evil people sitting in a dark cave sipping on Bishop's Disgust and singing "Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" while the professor's over in the corner transformed into a goat (obviously his natural state) and eating chocolate candies with caramel fillings. Johnny is there as well, only he's not eating because he is experiencing the advance stages of tetanus. He can't move either, because he's up to his neck in swarming spiders and snakes.

Dr. Mitchell:
You truly are evil, aren't you?

Schimpf:
Thank you very much.

Question from the audience #4:
Oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm actually getting to talk to the mad cobbler of Mainz. I happen to think The Face in the Frost is one of the greatest fantasies ever written. There is so much evil in that one book alone with Melichus and his evil henchmen, and, and, that nasty troll and all the black magic and evil spirits that are conjured up. Just the brief mention of the title of your book is enough to fill me with dread. At times when I am able to summon up enough courage, I like to ponder what forbidden knowledge lies between its covers... oh, and it just sends shivers up my spine!

Schimpf:
You're too kind.

Question from the audience #4:
Perhaps I shouldn't ask this, but I was wondering if you wouldn't mind translating the title of that most horrible book into English for us?

Schimpf:
Well, let's see here. I believe the closest I could come in translating the Krankenhammer would be 'Sick Hammer.'

Dr. Mitchell:
Any chance we will be able to get at an English translation of this anytime soon?

Schimpf:
Not likely. Although in Germany the Idiot's Guide to The Krankenhammer has just been published. You know, if your evil audience would like, I wouldn't mind giving a brief lecture on the book's contents.

Dr. Mitchell:
Actually Stefan, I mean Mr. Cobbler, we are about out of time. We could probably get in one last question.

Schimpf:
You're running the show.

Question from the audience #5:
When is the next Goosebumps book due out?

Schimpf
Goose...? That does it. I've had it! I'll live with 7 years bad luck. I'm breaking this stupid mirror!

Dr. Mitchell:
Well, that about raps it up for episode one of All About Evil. We hope you enjoyed this installment. Stay tuned for next time when our special guest will be the aforementioned Hugo C. Philpotts and we'll find out what Bellairs' character he would most like to go 5 rounds in the boxing ring with. And remember, believe only half of what you read!